Road Tripping for Fun and Profit
Written by: Mary Spears
May 2, 2006
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Every August I drive my beloved and faithful car, whose name changes with the tides but whose current designation is BTC—Bono the Car—from my hometown in Louisiana up to sunny South Bend, and every May I do the same thing in reverse. Not having room in BTC for both my stuff and someone else’s stuff, and kind of liking the solitude of it all anyway, I do this alone, both ways. That’s about a 36 hour drive round-trip, not counting stops for potty or the delay caused by the unbelievable amount of traffic that clutters I-465 around Indianapolis what is the MATTER with that thing GOD. So, as you can imagine, I store up quite a lot of random observations in an effort to keep awake and to avoid killing random bad drivers I encounter by smacking them repeatedly on the face with my plastic yard penguin. These are just a few of those observations.
DISCLAIMER: I rip on lots of things. Most probably I will rip on your home state if you are Southern. That’s OK! We rip on Notre Dame all the time, but we still love it, all the tradition and the friendly people would you seriously have wanted to go to Georgetown instead blah blah blah fishcakes. Anyway, upshot is, have a sense of humor! Don’t be like those jackasses that have a date with a 2-foot plastic penguin named Kafka. I’m just saying.
Here goes…
MOST STRIKING REMINDER THAT YOU ARE IN INDIANA:
Not the bigger-than-God bridge over the Ohio river, or the six miles of 45-mph construction immediately thereafter, but the wide expanses of corn fields immediately following THAT.
BEST UNIVERSITY ABBREVIATION EVER:
IUPUI. This stands for "Indiana University/Purdue University of Indianapolis," but I like to pronounce it like the sound one would make if one discovered one had a piece of moldy bread in one's mouth. "Eww...pooie!" This gets even better when you realize this school has a satellite school in Columbus, Indiana. Indiana University/Purdue University of Indianapolis of Columbus. God love you, Indiana.
HAILS OF DERISIVE LAUGHTER, BRUCE:
The part of I-65 running through Indianapolis is the Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds Highway. It's impossible not to like Indiana, it's just so damn GOOFY.
NO FUN AT ALL:
Kentucky DOT and INDOT. 65 mph my ass!
BEST CITY TO DRIVE THROUGH:
Louisville. You just HAVE to love the constipated cardinal, go UofL, and did you know those silos with “GO CARDS” on them are dog food silos? I’m just saying.
BIGGEST SCAR ON THE PLACE OF THE PLANET:
Nashville, TN. I’m sure it’s a great town to visit, but six interstate direction changes in just under five miles? Bleh. Imagine hitting that at rush hour and you'll understand what drives people to sell their souls to the devil.
MOST ANNOYING THING:
Pissant Southern towns who like to lower the speed limit when you pass through them...the speed limit on the INTERSTATE. Yeah, that'll get people to go stop at your new Taco Bell.
BWA HA HA HA!!:
Random billboard in Alabama: "Call a plumber...it's the law!"
FUNNEST THING EVER (HARMLESS DIVISION):
The random inexplicable runway bumps in the Mississippi interstate system, so named because if you hit those puppies at 70, you are AIRBORNE. Awesome.
FUNNEST THING EVER (SOMEWHAT HARMFUL DIVISION):
Relaxing your eyes and being hypnotized by the tar tire tracks running down the middle of both lanes of Mississippi's I-59.
CREEPIEST THING EVER...EVER:
The guys in the truck who stayed with me for 45 minutes, periodically speeding up to catch up to me, staring at my...um...assets, and then letting me pass by. Then doing the exact same thing five minutes later. Like 'em so much? You seem a fairly large fellow, so GROW A PAIR! That way you can stare at your own instead of creeping me right the shit out while all I'm trying to do is freakin’ DRIVE. Jackass.
INNNNTERESTING:
There’s one gas station in Mississippi in the women’s bathroom of which there are no feminine hygiene product dispensers, or even painkiller dispensers, but instead a $.25 perfume dispenser and a dispenser for no-name-brand condoms. That looks like a fun Saturday night to me! Who’s with me?
CREEPIEST REMINDER THAT THEY DON'T CALL IT THE "BIBLE BELT" FOR NOTHING:
tie: the billboard of the bearded, strung out Jim Morrison lookalike glaring at the camera next to the words "CONSIDER your WAYS" and another billboard: "Hell has no thermostat" (no comment).
And finally, BEST “HAPPY HOMECOMING” SIGHT:
The sun drifting through the cypress trees, winding its way through the thick green branches and glinting invitingly off the swampwater. God love you too, Louisiana.
A happy summer to you and yours…
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