Betcha Didn't Know This Was In duLac
Written by: Will McGrath
August 31, 2006
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There are many fine rules and regulations at this fine fine university. Some of these fine rules, however, are hidden deep within the cryptic language and confusing wording of our university's fine student handbook, duLac. Here are a few lesser known rules we discovered which keep our school so fine:
No candles are allowed in the dormitories. (p.24)
No candles are allowed in the dormitories for use in bizarre sexual fantasies or anything seen on “Red Shoe Diaries.” (p.79)
Open containers are not allowed in the hallways. Violators will be subject to fines. (p.102)
Open containers are allowed in the privacy of your room, on the condition that they are not used for the purpose of ‘smoking the reefer’. (p.103)
‘Reefer’ is strictly forbidden in the dorms. (p.104)
Come to think of it - the term 'Reefer' cannot ever be spoken. (p.105)
Getting’ busy (pronounced biz-ay) after the hour of 2:00 AM and before the hour of 10:00 AM is forbidden. (p.58)
Cheating on schoolwork of any kind is forbidden, in accordance with the Honor Code. (p.96)
Okay, if you’re an athlete, cheating is allowed. (p.97)
All right, if you’re really rich, then cheating is also allowed. (p.98)
Telling “The Man” to “Suck it!” while gesticulating towards your crotch is strictly forbidden. (p.122)
Disparaging “The Man” in any way, shape or form is forbidden. (p.124)
Wait, on second thought, let’s just forget we mentioned “The Man” at all. “The Man” is a fantastical imaginary concept with no root in reality whatsoever and surely is imaginary. (p.126)
Imitating “Touch Down Jesus” without strict written permission of the University is forbidden. Violators will be transported to the highlands of Scotland and publicly disembowelled as an example for those damn rebels. (p.62)
Yelling “Freedom” while being publicly disembowelled is forbidden. (p.28)
Making dumb jokes about the number that follows 68 and precedes 70 is strictly forbidden. See page 69.
No sex in the champagne room. (p.88)
No sex in any room, while we’re at it. (p.89)
The climbing of the Dome for the purpose of drunken hilarity is not allowed. (p.203)
Social gatherings of more than 10 people are forbidden. (p.167)
Social gatherings of 10 people and one goat are forbidden, as a goat is equal to 3/5 of a person. (See chart below)
Human-Equivalency Table
- Horse: 2 people
- Cow: 9/10 of a person
- Ox: 7/8 of a person
- Goat: 3/5 of a person
- Sheep: 2/5 of a person
- Endangered Siberian Tiger: 1/7 of a person
Plan accordingly
Animals of any kind are forbidden in the dormitories. (p.119)
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